Soul Searching

Day 275: April 9, 2021

It is with a slightly heavy heart that I write today’s update but I know it is one that I must write.

In all honesty, I have struggled to update the journal over the last few days. Not because of time as such but simply I have done nothing particularly bookish, haven’t written a word of the book since February and therefore have little of any value to tell you all.

If you’ve read my journal (and a big thank you to those that have), you’ll know that life over the last 6-8 weeks has been difficult. I’ve had family issues to deal with, work has been flat out and I had a period of illness, thankfully not Covid related. Does anyone else feel the need to clarify that if they’re ever ill? The world is a strange place at the moment.

Those few days of being really unwell and struggling function made me take stock a little. I didn’t have anything seriously wrong with me, it was just a migraine but brought on my stress and trauma. The trauma was down to a tooth infection which led to needing an extraction but that had quite a big impact on my system, not least because I have a phobia of the dentist at the best of times.

The stress however was something that has been building over time and has simply got to a point where it crescendoed to a peak. I was physically and mentally exhausted. In between naps as I began to recover, I realised that I needed to make some life changes in order not to get to this point again. Many things can’t be changed as they’re out of my control or responsibilities I cannot suddenly drop – the children for example, or work. However, there were several I could control or at least only devote so much of my time to.

My dream of writing was a book, was always just that, a dream. Something I desired to do. And I loved writing when I started the journey in the summer last year. But as time as progressed and life has become manic, I’ve found that I am finding writing more of a chore. Something that I need to find time for. That has to be done. And I am less inclined to do it as it no longer feels enjoyable. I don’t want my writing to be like that. I am nowhere near being in a position where I can give up the day job and write for a job. I’d love to but I simply cannot at this time. Therefore, I need my writing to be a hobby, and for that pastime to bring me joy.

I have every intention to keep growing my author platform, to blog weekly on all things platform and planning related; to read and review monthly; and to update readers on my writing progress. I am however, going to drop the word “daily” from my journal and only update the journal when there is something bookish to tell you. I am hoping that this will not be an overly extended break and that before long, I will be back in the swing of things and journalling daily again.

I hope that you understand and can support me in that decision. I will still be on my social media channels. Instagram and Twitter are the places to find me more regularly. I respond to tweets as quickly as I can and I post to Instagram daily. I am, I will confess, more hit and miss when it comes to Facebook but I do see notifications so will always respond to you. 

This has been a tough decision to come to. On the one hand I have told myself that I am failing by not continuing to do what I set out to do. However, I am also well aware that plans change and we have to adapt to circumstances and to adjust our goals accordingly. I have thought long and hard and know that this is the right decision for me at this present time.

I have a busy ten days ahead with things generally happening in life but then I am hoping to catch my breath and get back into the writing. My characters are patiently waiting to know what happens to them next in the story. And I want to finish telling that story.

I posted this quote to my Instagram feed this past week, and it struck a chord:

“Keep going, because you did not come this far just to come this far.”

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I can totally relate to that. I have not written 45,000 words to just stop with the story only half told. I have had to stand back, take stock, and take a moment to breathe, but I am not giving up. I intend to go on right to the bitter end (am rather hoping for a happy ending but an ending nonetheless). I’ll let you know when I open Scrivener and get going again.

Thank you for your support. Every tweet, comment, like or DM I get is very much appreciated, without readers I’d be doing all this for nothing.

Take care. Stay safe. I won’t be gone long, updates will just be more sporadic.

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